Hace un monton que escribi algo adentro de este 'blog'. Casi extrañe expresando todos mi sentimientos y hablando sobre mi dia.
Aqui en Argentina el tiempo esta pasando tan lento y siento como estoy muriendo. Mi alma no tiene sentido. Extraño mi vida en Los Estados Unidos. Mis amigos... todo. Pero que puedo hacer?
Rick: yo queria escribir algo para ti en el idioma que hablo ahora (Que raro, no?) y decir unas cosa. Primero: como estas? Tanto tiempo amigito! Jaja.
Segundo... No se. Como dije, hace mucho que nos hablamos. En serio cuando yo lei mi correo, estaba soprendida que me acordaste. Crei que continuaste en tu vida. Que estabas conociendo gente nueva, como yo, y capaz estabas enamorado de una chica y ella puede darte todo las cosas felizes faltan de tu alma. Todas las cosas buenas que podrias imaginar...
Ya se es horrible para decir una cosa asi, pero no puedo vivir con secretos. Lo siento si no estas feliz. Me encantaría si estabas super feliz y viviendo en el maximo. Y si estas, todo lo mejor! Pero todavia, y no se por que, pero me pongas celos. "Celos? POR QUE CELOS?! Que putasa..."
¡Y esta bien si estas asi! Si, celosa de las chicas en tu vida porque me acuerdo una vez... una vez en el pasado que yo senti como era la unica chica que viste. Era como l mundo no existio.
Ay, que bueno. No se como explicar que quiero decir en castellano, ni en ingles. Odio los idiomas....
Hmm, odio. Si- creo que eso es. Me odio. Me odio por todas las cosa que te hice. Romp tu corazon, tu espiritu, solo para sentir mejor sobre aspectos menores de mi vida.
Todas las palabras que digo no pueden decirte como siento. El dolor de tu corazon, y de mio tambien no puede ser borrado, pero puedo ayudar en reglandolo.
Besos,
Annabelle
Stephanie scribbled at 9:15 PM.
Lo siento, Rick....
Stephanie scribbled at 9:00 PM.
I have a headache again. Every time I cry anymore I get an awful headache that won’t go away until morning.
Why was I crying this time? Obviously I’m still hurting from Fuka leaving. But that’s not the biggest thing that’s wrenching my heart.
He has a girlfriend now, and I had no idea. We were talking last night on the phone and he said “What are you going to do when I get a girlfriend?”
I said. “I know it’s going to happen eventually. One day, you’ll meet the woman you’ll marry, and I’m probably be there and smiling and patting you on the back congratulating you.”
“No, what are you gonna feel?”
I didn’t speak. He caught me on the technicality. “I’m gonna feel like shit. Like I want to die.”
“Why? I’ve gone through you seeing other guys and I’ve been fine with it.” He said.
“Well you don’t like me still. There’s a difference.”
He said we may even get back together….
Then I go into 2nd hour almost chipper, then Ashly shows me pictures that she got taken in a photo booth. He was in all of them.
“You went and did something with him this weekend?” I asked.
“Yeah.” She said smiling widely. “We’re seeing each other.”
The girl sitting across from me started talking, but it became a high-pitched mosquito whine. My eyes were burning, and the next thing I know, I was outside of the girl’s bathroom and sobbing my story to Bryan…my ex. Naomi came along and we went for a walk, a long walk. It lasted half of the hour. Naomi gave me the number of his classroom she found in the office, telling me that the rest was my decision.
I almost did it. I almost went into his second hour, gotten him into the hallway and yelled at him until I suffocated. Ms. Tegel found me first. She saw my eyes and my face were bright red, and I was told I should go to the bathroom, go to class or I was welcome to come talk to her in her room.
I chose the bathroom. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn’t breath anymore. I started trying to cut my wrists on the sharp part of the toilet paper holder. My left wrist is red and raw from it.
I went to Ms. Tegel and told her I couldn’t be in Ashly’s class anymore. So I was transferred and now I have a different schedule. I’m starting my new schedule tomorrow and I was honestly shocked at how fast it was able to go.
I confronted him at lunch and we had a rather tearful conversation. I told him I was pissed that he didn’t tell me, that I felt like a total slut after everything we’ve done, that it was a dirty low down trick that he had a girlfriend and just wanted to see what I would have done when he asked me that question last night.
“I live three blocks from this damned place and you know that. I could run home right now. I know the combination to the safe. I could open up that safe, get out that gun and shoot my fucking brains out.” I said clenching my teeth. “I’ve never been so fucking tempted.”
I nearly did it. I stood outside, looking longingly up the road that leads to my house. Rain drizzled down onto my pigtails. I shivered. I decided it could wait until I get home. Besides, then I could see every one for the last time.
It’s not the gun, it’s the razor. The gun is the easy way out. Give me pain.
Stephanie scribbled at 4:05 PM.
I have entered the 5th realm of hell. Kendall is gone. I cried for three hours straight today at school. I think I'm dehydrated because of all the water I expelled through tears.
Mina saw my face stained with tears at lunch, and she sat next to me and wiped my tears away with the sleeve of her kimono. She kissed me on the forehead and said she'd be here for me.
My face is numb. I can't feel anything, I can't move anything. I looked in the mirror and wondered, who is that girl? Why does she look so tired? What did she do?
Hell, even my grades are suffering. C, C, D+, C-, A, and A-. Those two A's are in Theater and Band. How did that happen? I had nothing below a 85%, but when Kendall dropped the bomb that she was moving, my grades were attached to a rock and dropped into a deep ocean trench. This was a minor three weeks ago, and I managed to fuck my grades up that badly....
Truthfully, what I need right now is a warm blanket and to be wrapped up in Dan's arms. Maybe then, and only then would I smile. I really feel for Dan and it's actually happened just as I thought and hoped it would. I started going out with Dan and suddenly all my little crushes faded away to nothing. It sucks though, to see all these couples in the hallway, and know that my other half is on the other side of town.
Speaking of lovely little couples, guess who I saw walking down the hall and holding hands. Olivia and Richard of course. I stopped when I saw their fingers enlaced as they passed me. Travis bumped into me and yelled at me, but I didn't care. I was too shocked.
It's not that I still like Richard, because I'm mad about my boyfriend, but I was kind of hurt, but satisfied at the same time. Did I cause that relationship to blossom? No of course not, but I'm positive I helped it along.
Tomorrow we travel to Rockford to play in play offs. It's a three hour ride in a charter bus with Tim, Rick, Val, Mina...the band I should say. No Olivia though. Richard won't be happy about that....
I've been awake for too long now. It's time for bed.
Stephanie scribbled at 1:10 AM.
She thinks she's baddass, the way she paints her nails black and puts her hair up in a ponytail on the top of her head. She's nothing more than a bitchy prep in her jeans and white cotton babydoll shirt. Fucking whore. Stay away...
I wonder how Dan is. I haven't seen him since Friday or talked to him since Sunday night. Val says we're going to go see him at West's Band-O-Rama. I really hope we can go, but with pit orchestra for musical and us entere hell week, it's starting to look shaky.
Linton and I haven't had a real conversation since Homecoming. Apparently a couple of girls and a guy were getting it on in the back seat of his truck. They got cum on his seats.
I just don't understand. He's so serious lately. Maybe it's hitting him that he won't be coming back next fall and he's a senior. He has to buy his cap and gown this week. That might be it, but why do I doubt it so much?
Four days until Kendall moves. I've been working on a poem which is commemorating our friendship. It's going slowly. I don't know if I'll have it done.
I'm looking at new flutes online and this little one, is the one it looks like I'll end up getting. I already have a name picked out for her if it happens to be mine. I'll release the name when she's mine.
Ciao.
Stephanie scribbled at 6:44 PM.
Tim is so complicated. I really want to be friends with him. I even told him about that one thing that happened last May, but it seems like he wants nothing to do with me, and truthfully, it’s tearing me apart. One minute, he appears to care and be my friend, the next he appears to like me more than just a friend, then the next he seems like he wants nothing to do with me.
Great, I can’t explain. Oh I’m perfectly capable, but my mother wants the computer. Goodnight then.
Stephanie scribbled at 9:32 PM.
I’m really glad I got to talk to Dan again, because he confessed how much he likes me.
I got my Hello Kitty ring in the mail finally. It’s certainly not up to the quality I expected, but it’s cute none the less. Rick is wrong when he says I’m in love with Hello Kitty. Try obsessed.
Val and I are planning a movie marathon at her house on the 7th since we don’t have school that day. Rick, Tim, Mina, Dan, Dan’s friend, Megan, and Miciah are all invited. We’re going to gather around a 16” TV and watch movies. ~Giggles~ How much fun!
I keep on giggling uncontrollably! Why?! Oh, probably because of Dan. I’m becoming almost like a girly girl. Oh no….
I left my flute at the football game. Thank god it was in our warm up area and in its case. But poor Chibi Annie. Not to mention poor me! I’m gonna get my ass chewed off by my conductor. It’s amazing how absent-minded I became when Dan gave me his e-mail address. I’m regressing in my maturity.
Time to watch the World Series. C’mon Yankees! Make me proud!
Stephanie scribbled at 9:07 PM.
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